Lately I've been so fed up with the criticism and nagging of my friend for not staying out longer, or staying round someone's all night, or doing whatever everybloody else is doing, I decided to completely sit out the latest meet-up. Lanky One told them I was ill.
Well, if they read this, they can have a merry laugh or a bitch about me for lying. I hate lying like that, but honestly, it was easier than saying for the 50th time 'I'm going home at such and such a time' 'because...' or 'no, I can't come' or whatever. I can't seem to get my friends to understand that I actually don't always mind going home, and I don't want to p*ss The Olds off between now and September. I'm not the only one in the house - not fair on them if I come home at 7 in the morning, or at 3am.

Problem is, tonight's sounds fun. =/ Lanky One meant well by ringing, but now I know what I'm missing out on. Kinda. I was perfectly happy before he rang - Sorting out my pc, getting it up to speed etc. Then one tiny text sets the ball rolling. "Hi."
Maybe I shouldn't have texted back, I dunno.

For once it's just Lanky One, Almost-Cuddly One [demoted her], Italiano and Not-Racist One. The Dial-up duo aren't there. Which would have been fine, probably. Even with the Olds, who knows? No point in finding out, cause I'm sure she'd have said no if I'd expressed a wish to go to Not-Racist One's house for the night. My Old Best Friend thinks they're plebbish, common, etc. A waste of time - afterall, I'm not fully functional after only 6 hours sleep. Tonight sounds as though I'd be able to, maybe. Whilst she almost has a point, it doesn't stop me wanting to go sometimes. I fight my corner when I actually want to go, otherwise what's the point? If I'm not keen on staying up all night, or I don't feel I could handle the company for more than 7 hours, why should I persevere against The Olds's better wishes?

The Almost-Cuddly One is of the opinion that I should have more fun. Go out more. Get a job so I have more money to go out more to have more fun. Perfect.
Well, if she's always bloody going on about it, she's sucking the fun out of the time I do spend going out. I'm starting to avoid her, and the others. When I go out, it's fine, but if she thinks of a last-minute plan to go round her house to get p*ssed - she lives further out of the way than I do - and I decline, she gets annoyed. I noticed in a thread on facebook though, that she didn't complain when Italiano declined her last-minute invitation yesterday for us all to go to hers yesterday evening.
Apparently because I'm either busy or particularly broke or just not able to stay out as long whenever she decides to tell me to come out with her, I warrant nagging and constant attitude.

Italiano and Not-Racist and Lanky Ones all just accept it if I can't come or can't stay out for whatever reason. Why can't the others? PARTICULARLY Almost-Cuddly One. I love her, and she was a good friend until recently, but honestly. Now I'm not sure she likes me, just wants someone extra to keep the party going or something.


Heh. That's my moan. And all because I'm fed up tonight now that Lanky One's rung me. He put me on to Cuddly One and Italiano. >.< Cuddly One asked how I was - and I said I was feeling better, which is now far from the truth. I feel shizzle now - then joked about me coming to Not-Racist's house. If I'm supposedly ill, is joking about me going out really gonna make me feel better? I dunno. She can't seem to get it off her mind. Almost one-track-minded where I'm concerned: Get Maus Out of the House.


At least with my exams coming up, I've got a real excuse for not coming out with people who don't accept me for what and who I am.
I don't think they realise how lonely I get. If they just. Let me be - let me come and go as I please: I am my own agent, afterall - if they'd just. Shut up about how often and "how little fun" I have, then maybe I would want to be around them more, and maybe I wouldn't have to avoid them like this, possibly missing out on some hours of socialising. Right now I am feeling the crappest I've been in a while. Great. Bloody great.

I've just thought 'hm. I should really keep my reviews. They might be useful to me later.' so I thought, why not create a list of my reviews. Except there's a word limit, so I can't.
So I have to blog them instead.



Sweeney Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Str.

I really liked Sweeney Todd. I'd give it at least 4 stars. Maybe 5...but not with the background.

I am in agreement with Tim Burton [read an interview thing] and I don't think that 18 was a fair rating. 15, maybe, but not 18. The censors were a bit OTT on that point; the blood effects weren't actually that bad - the most gruesome bit was the first killing, and I enjoyed that simply cause I hate the actor x]

Johnny Depp of course made Todd his own - he and Helena Bonham Carter make a lovely duet - and both do the whole psychopath look and attitude brilliantly. The casting was perfect. Everyone kept their cockney accents going throughout, which is what I love about Tim Burton films: they're not necessarily full of American accents.

The film is totally dark, like most TB films, but not only in content, but the setting. I don't think they know what sunshine is in London. Although I guess it was during the Smog years. The costumes were in keeping with the period, and the hair was fabulous. Helena BC's hair was big and crazy, whilst I thought Sweeney's streak of white was a nice touch. The makeup made the film a lot darker and more to suit Burton's love for macabre, and the lighting, when there was some, was diffused to emphasise the fantasy of the scene - [it was all really in Mrs Lovett's head.]

The scripting was very good - full of dark humour and the lyrics of the songs in particular were either taking the mickey, sinister or just...strange. 0.o The soundtrack was very good - it's haunting, and when you're watching it, you'd think it'd be catchy, but it actually is hard to recall, which is clever, since now I want to watch it again just to refresh my memory a little. I also think they sing just the one tune throughout, just that it's in a different key and tempo depending on what the song is. I have one version in particular in my head....bit annoying as I liked 'worst pies in London' best.

The ending I thought was perfect; I found I didn't really care what happened to any of the other characters, and it was touching in a very bloody way.

But yes. I'll be buying it. I want the box, certainly.

What's up with the weather?

Supposed to rain, so it's sunny and hot, then it totally lets rip, chucking it down and windy. =(

Bit bored I guess. Tidying up yesterday went so well!

Until I erm. Finished cleaning.  Now my stuff's all where it was before. Still have to actually tidy the room.

I plan to do a timeline of Edward and Mary by tomorrow....shouldn't take -that- long. Just a graph thing. Year, event, people involved. Sorted.

Course, Classics is more important at the moment - I have the damn exam on Thursday 5th. Fun. Starts at 1.45, don't get out till about 5.15. I'll have just missed a bus. =( Might not get home till about 6.30, just in time for tea. x]

Don't forget to hold your mouse over the image. It has an extra caption - I thought it appropriate.

I've been blogging a lot lately, and I'm wondering why. Maybe it's  because I find it easier to vent my feeling through writing. Or maybe it's attention-seeking. Nah. I don't think so. It was a hidden blog for two years. Then I decided to let people read it. What the hell - basically.

I rant, and I write poems - not so much lately - and I just talk nonsense. Or I try to put deeper thoughts into words. THAT's actually harder than it sounds.

Today I'm just bored, and trying to find something to do. I could do my revision, but I'm being interrrupted every 10 minutes, so that's a bit pointless. So far today, I've showered, eaten and done dishes. Oh and watched very sweet pheasant chicks with their mum.
Very sweet. Until you realise who their father is, then you want to wring their necks to stop them from becomming fat and annoying. He is the most annoying wild animal I've come across. And he's bloody HUGE. No kidding. Almost turkey sized.

I categorised this as 'Organisations' when actually, it's the organisation of my room.

My room's untidy. Perpetually. But at least I know it is. Not just cause people nag me to tidy it up, but cause I'm not delusional about my state of tidiness.

I've a somewhat peculiar way of tidying my room. Today, I was doing it systematically.... I sorted out all the paper I've used this year and bunged them into subject piles - English, History and Classics, then a fourth for my packs and books.
I really don't want to have to split each pile into separate ones for each module T_T That's gonna suck, frankly.

I then realised that from ripping out paper from my pad, I've left bits all over the floor....so I piled that into a pile, along with bits of fluff and other stuff - clothes sticker and such - on the floor in the middle. Then I bunged EVERYTHING I can't vacuume onto my bed. =D
As you can see with the images. x]
Pre-vacuum bed.
Post-vacuum carpet. \o/

Of course now my carpet's lovely and clean.

I just have to sort out my desk - been on my laptop for the last few weeks cause my pc blew up again. I've ordered the parts now so I can get rid of this laptop next Monday. =D

Then it'll be heavy revision, with gaps of heavy-oblivioning. I just hope I have a backup of my game saves. Otherwise I will actually die of a broken heart. Over a year's worth, and I'd have to do it all again, just to get to where I had been. >> I'm all for clean starts, but not half-way through a really exciting quest. I like to do it when I want to, not when my pc decides, you know?

I should stop procrastinating and put stuff away, really. >>

SPOILER ALERT


Fecking aliens in Indiana Jones 4. Supernatural happenings is normal for Indie. Grail, Ark, Glowey Rocks in India. But honestly. There was even a friggin' space ship under Machu Pichu. =|

Kinda spoiled it for me, cause over all there were hints of the previous films which was nice.


Day was alright. Except for a small case of 'gawd, that Maus is so stingy' and 'gawd why doesn't she ever stay out for more than a few hours?' 'why can't she join in for once?' =/ Frankly Cuddly One can shove that up her arse. I'm tired of it to be honest.

Is it wrong for me to want to save a bit of money for my computer? Is it wrong for me to want to keep my grandparents happy between now and September? Is it wrong for me to want to go home a little early than the others for once? Instead of staying out till god-knows what time as per usual?

Heh.

Lanky One made me feel better. He didn't really want to go to Cuddly One's house because he felt guilty giving his grandparents short notice. So he came home with me on the bus. It was nice talking to him alone for a bit. I go a bit mute with the others around now. Cause anything I say pisses them off. =/ Yesterday she attacked me for putting historical reference on these bronze flowers in the pavement in town. Telling me to stop thinking about money, that not everything is about how much money you have. =/ I was just commenting how debasement wasn't really necessary in the area if they'd just turned them into coins. It was a great deal of money in the 1600s.
Heh.

She doesn't seem to like me much anymore anyway. I don't particularly care anymore either. =D So it works out.

I might still go to the ball. My mate Giggles [I love her laugh] isn't part of teh group - she's in my English and History classes, and I've hung round with her friends quite a lot, and she's a laugh. She wants me to go. Which is really nice of her. So I might. I'm not paying. Shame Lanky One can't go. Just needs a shirt and trousers. =/ but he probably won't have the £23 by the end of June. ._.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to have the week off. I've been SO tired. I can't seem to sleep through the night properly. Going to college - often for no reason - has been torture. Takes an hour to get in and so on.

I'm ordering my pc parts tonight. >> Paying £67 myself, but fortunately, The Olds are paying £80.
I'm a bit nervous....don't want to order stuff that won't fit my case, you know? Still. I can -sort- of blame Lanky One. "You said it would!" =P

Watching Indiana Jones and the Raides of the Lost Ark atm. Bit difficult typing and concentrating. It's all go, afterall.

I sometimes have wondered 'what is the point in anything?'. 'How do we decide what to do with our lives?'. 'How do we know if we're ever truly happy?'.

Deep questions maybe...

I am reaching the last day of my life at sixth form college. Two long years. I've 'loved' and been rejected, I've 'not-loved' but still ended up loving [the year with the Lanky One is still great for me. <3]
Still. Even though I'm happy with him and such, I can't help wondering if he's the one, or if someone else is out there. We're WAY too young to think about 'the one' perhaps. But I see people cheating on their partners, leaving their spouses for another, you read about the crazy things separated people do to the offending 'other half', and I think 'how can you know? How can you possibly know?'.

My grandmother says you don't know love, real love, until you've lost it, and can't get it back. Sounds rather bleak to me. Still, I'm a semi-bleak person. Sunny on the exterior, but I do get these deep thoughts in the shadowy part of me.

Working on my revision notes for a retake, I marvel at how in class, I can barely scrape Bs, where once I was achieving As and A*s in GCSE. True, I failed to get the A* I was dreaming of for History - only a B - but I know I'm crap at exams. My technique has improved a LOT since then.

I've so far got 2 As and a C in my history modules - just retaken my C, and I hope to get an A, or a B. But I work so hard for those As, hell, even for my Bs. Then I look about me, and find smug arses like The Idiot One, not doing the mock essays, the homework for whatever reason (usually "I was working." Hah. He stacks shelves and can't spare one hour to write an essay? Something I struggled on? And he still gets an effing A at the end of the year.)
I don't understand why people who put no effort in, despite their rather brilliant capabilities, still get the achivements or even surpass the achievements of those that put their heart into their work.

I've been averaging at 22-3 out of 30 in my English esssays, but I'm still worried. I struggled, and I didn't quite do it to time. Even though I got 25 for each of my exam-condition mocks, I'm still worried. Particularly in my Milton half. I need that B. I got a B in the mock essay, but again, I looked for quotes in the book - something you can't do in the exam - and I didn't do it in the prescribed hour time limit.
The Idiot One, and the other boys in my class, however, didn't do the essay. The few that did all got B or above, but I can't help but feel as though my efforts are wasted because someone else, with no effort at all will simply do better than me. Perhaps even in life. He may be ignorant of the way the world works, naive, even racist and sexist, as well as homophobic, but I have the feeling he'll  get the job, house etc that he wants.

I can only hope that happiness is more important than these slightly more materialistic things. Jane Austen always says love is important in life. However "take aim to fall in love with someone rich". Money's a big factor in the world today. Without money, life is harder than is necessary in this country.

I feel I've chosen my vocation for the future. I can always change my mind, right? History Degrees open almost unlimited doors. I could go into journalism, or work for the BBC like the Family-friend Producer. [he's a producer for the BBC].
I've decided that children are important for me. I'm a very maternal person; always have been. I desperately want some of my own. Just two will do. Or even one if I must. I'd rather have them before the age of 25 [the first one anyway], because I don't want to be an older parent, like so many now a-days. I'd happily put my career on hold. I think women who get pregnant, but want a career so don't stay at home with the child are horrible. Really. The child needs love, not a nanny. You get stable children by taking the first 2 years or so off work. You can work part-time as well.

It won't be a huge problem for me; I'll be a teacher. Not interested in being Head Mistress - you can't teach children through other people - and I like the idea of being able to help mould someone's life, to awake within them their talents and so on. I got my inspiration from my teachers - they were good. My history teacher - I had him consecutively for 5 years - was wonderful. He was passionate about his subject, enjoyed his job and he really fed my interest.
My primary school teacher was wonderful as well. As was my music teacher at my secondary school. All enthusiastic, all liking their jobs. The pay's -ok- not brilliant, and there were politics behind the music department and the school board - funding mostly - but I really felt as though it was what I wanted to do. I had good teachers to use as role-models, and I like children just as much.

I want to be a Primary School teacher, because I prefer younger children, but I'd be happy in a secondary school.

Through it all though, I wonder what it's all for. Why are we bothering. I'm not religious - There's nothing after death. We're just killing ourselves to stay alive.
I can enjoy myself. I can achieve things, but for what? Why?
What if I end up alone? What if something bad happens, and I lose the one person I care about? There is so much uncertainty, that I can't help but wonder about the infinite possibilities. What if, when I finally decide to lose my virginity, I end up pregnant through some freak case of 2 lots of contraception not working? Would that end my life? People disapprove of girls my age getting pregnant, because it means their lives are over. I can't believe that. If that were the case, then teen mothers would often only have one child as a teen, not - as is more frequent - every year or so.
I couldn't have an abortion. I just don't feel I could go through with getting rid of something I want so much in the future. Partly for the reason that I might not get another opportunity, but partly because I'd feel it was wrong. It's my baby. I'm not into the whole 'NO abortion full stop' argument. Option should be available. But I personally couldn't go through with it.

I don't know if with these questions, I can ever be truly happy. I'll always be wondering what else is there. Perhaps that is the ultimate flaw in mankind: the infidels that leave their partners for other people are doing the same. Wondering if there's something else, something better. If the person they're with is not 'the one'. I'm not even considering cheating on the Lanky One. I couldn't. I care about him too much, and he makes me happy.
I know it can't last. Or maybe I'm being overly-practical. Maybe it could last. Who knows? No one can predict the future. I can't even imagine the next 3 months.

How can anyone really be sure of anything?

Procrastination efforts :3




415453% Geek


67%
Seems that Shawn of the Dead hasn't helped me much.
146,665 People
The cool thing about that list was that I knew who William de la Pole was. History ftw.

2,067,240How Many Germs Live On Your Keyboard?that one was kinda gross >>


43%

God. Allah. G-d. Vishnu, Shiva, Zeus. Jupiter. Demeter.

All a load of nonsense to explain the occurance of inexplicable things.

-Some- people argue I've lost 'site' [yes, SITE] of God. How can I if I never was in it's sight to begin with? I never believed in that nonsense, not even at primary school.

I went to a Church of England School. Nearest one, really. Still 5 miles away. From an early age I found the biblical stories boring, the vicar annoying and praying a waste of time. I wanted to do other things. Only thing I appreciated were the religious songs, which were rather pretty and I like singing. Later we had this fantastic teacher that gave us fun songs to sing that were modern and upbeat and had a thin layer of religious meaning.

As I got older, I found religion a silly business. Worshipping some invisible person without any indication of whether it's worth it. All the separate stories and theories behind religious texts were contradictory and couldn't agree. Except that there was a higher being.

I'm now just angry and incredulous.
How can people honestly argue that you will go to hell if you don't believe in a god? Or the wrong one? Supposedly, he's all merciful, in which case he'll forgive your small oversight. =/

This all comes during a time when religious fundamentalists are going as far as to blow themselves up to be heard. What kind of god makes you sacrifice yourself and kill innocents to get to heaven? How stupid! And cruel.

Not just muslims are over-zealous now.

Zealous comes from the word Zealot, which is an old Jewish sect. Convenient no? Even in 60AD, Jews, Zealots in particular, were picking fights with Greeks and other multi-theistic people. Caused a lot of problems for Claudius and Nero.

Someone started a thread on my local forum celebrating the 60 year anniversary of Israel. Of course this opened the religious can of worms. One particular Chunky person appears to either be stirring/inciting religious intolerance or is simply a spammy git, and is insulting everyone that isn't Jewish.

Israel. Home of Jewish myth.
Apparently where Soleiman's skeleton is buried. That's fine. Possibly true. But really, why would God make ISRAEL of all places a promised land? No oil, no grass....it's a horrible dusty country. Hardly like Eden.
Besides, true Orthodox Jews [spoken to some about this at the latest Anti-war demo in London so this first hand] believe that the Promised Land is after death, so Israel can't possibly be it, and all this displacement of indiginous people was wasted. That and Britain had no right, NO RIGHT to create a state where people were living already. Add another tally mark to the numerous atrocities committed by our glorious mother country.

Do the Jewish have more right to a chunk of Earth than other people? Do they have the right to allow others to go homeless because they were so over-mighty during even the BC ages that they were disliked from the start and so needed to be dumped somewhere?

Don't worry this isn't anti-semitic, this post. It's anti-religion. Each religion will have a stab in turn.


Christians. One god - either 3 people in one, or 3 separate entities as one. Confused? So is most of the christian population I bet. How the fudge can God be 3 things at once? I know he's supposed to be omni-everything, but that's just stupid.
And chucking mankind out of paradise for eating an apple? How stupid is that. He punishes the snake for it as well, despite Satan apparently possessing it, which in the technical meaning of possession suggests poor snakey wasn't in control of that matter.

If Jesus died for our sins, then why do Roman Catholics still have to say 40 hail marys when they've sinned, pray for souls in purgatory and all that nonsense? Surely Jesus having been means all souls after him go straight to heaven no matter what?
How did Jesus travel all the places he did on foot, in such a short time? And as for rising again. Does that make him a zombie?
Christianity is a little brutal though. They're worshipping a crucified man! And they stoned people [women] for doing unspeakable things...such as getting preggers before marriage. [Mary - aka Maryam - was lucky to be believed]. They were just as violent to the Romans as the Romans were to them. No matter what that cartoon series on Sundays told me.

I love how the western world are worried about Islam spreading and taking over. "Muslims are trying to convert Britain!" Well isn't that what a FUDGE-load of Christians have been doing since the start of it? Missionaries in Africa, India, all over the ex-empire, even today. Evangelicals from America preaching in town...it's all the same thing! Trying to convert.
Aborigones were apparently evil, godless people, without laws, morals or values, because they had no religion of any kind. Therefore they were enslaved, foreced to marry 'good, decent' english people, and were separated from their families. Forced to evolve before their time. Just like the Africans. Who had their own religions and supersticions thanks-very-much.

Islam has it's own strange incoherant behaviours though. We all know about the crazy fundamentalists. But what about the peaceful ones? Why on earth do you need to worship 5 times a day? I just don't get it. And facing Mecca too, just because some guy apparently flew on a donkey and climbed a ladder all in one night. [yeah right]
Why would a loving god force a man to sacrifice his own son? That's evil! The emotional torture that that man would have gone through. He was clearly just murderous.
Why must women wear all that stupid head gear, when it's men who can't control themselves? Anyway, the moderately clingy clothes leave the body to the delicious imagination, which would arguably fuel their lust. Along with the gorgeous eyes peeking out of the veils.
How can they be sure that their god is the right god anyway? Islam stemmed from some psycho version of Christianity which stemmed from Judaism. Surely then, Judaism is the correct religion?


*sigh* all this is really crazy. I prefer Buddhism as a religion. Not a god they're worshipping, but a real guy. Overall a more friendly religion as well. [except the warrior Buddhists]. Hinduism and Sikhism is very colourful though. Lovely. But each have their faults.

Every religion has a fault.

Some would say that atheism is a religion, and I can see the reasoning behind it, but I prefer it to other religions. I'd rather spend my life doing what I please than following some stupid rules for something that might or might not be in existance. I believe that when we're dead, that's it. Nada. Nothing. You don't feel, see or do anything. You don't have a soul, only a sole and that's on your shoe or your foot.

Religion is a way of explaining unexplained things. Also a way of tricking vulnerable people into paying money, conforming and behaving themselves according to some higher-up's conventions. Usually Man's. Which, ladies, we know is a BAD idea. =P

In the words of The Tall Lanky One's favouritist band in the whole wide world: "religion is just synthetic frippery, unnecessary in our expanding global cultural efficiency" afterall, " What pretension; Everlasting peace. Everything must cease."


Long ranty anti-religious blog there, but some events today have made me boil over and I felt I should scrap the surface of my feelings on the subject to prevent me overflowing.
I could probably be done for religious intolerance, inciting religious hatred and "racisim" [hah, as though religious groups were 'races'.] but I don't care. I have a right to free speech, this is my blog, and I shall write what I want.

Ok. I've had my fair share of wonderful moments with computers and my internet and my games. Love them I do. Make the world go round.

But this week has really taken the biscuit.

For some time now, my graphics card kinda blew up, my hard drive's dodged up and as a result of the graphics card being replaced, I need a better PSU.
So I'm spending £79 of my £80 birthday money on a shiny new card, and then £66.97 [I'm THAT accurate] on the rest. Don't complain too much, so long as I don't need to replace them again in 2 years. [each part consequently has 3 years warranty, fortunately].

The reason I got a desktop pc was that my laptop's disk drive was no long reading disks. Completely broke. Then when we replaced the crap router, it disliked the new one, and I couldn't install the hardware of the new router because I didn't have a disk. Actually, the internet thing was marginally more recent, but that's not the point. Had internet problems cause the previous hardware conflicted with the disfunctional wireless card. Cheap laptops don't last!

Anyway. Hard drive went boom again last week. So I used Ubuntu on the linux kernal. Fine. Until it decided it didn't like using the internet anymore, and I couldn't.

So I thought, hell, why not try using my laptop. It works fine except for that cd drive. I was going to rip the installation disk to my brother's computer and transfer the needed stuff to mp3 then stick it on my laptop. Except for some stupid reason, no idea why, I decided to put the cd in my laptop for a laugh. I remembered it made a really funny pathetic noise when trying to read cds.

AND IT WORKED. It's now reading CDs as though it never stopped.
Won't read em long enough to fully install oblivion, but that's not a problem. I have audiosurf and legoracers to pass the time between ordering my parts, revision, installing my parts, getting set up, exams and revision.Oh and my social life. But Lanky One's a geek, so the setting up my pc and social life can mix. :3


Honestly though. I'm sometimes wondering whether technology is really worth this palava.
look where it's got us: dependancy on typing [people are forgetting how to hold a pen], books aren't being read, obesity, nuclear bombs etc. Not worth the hassle at all.

My birthday was an interesting one.
I have got money now to pay for at least £80 of the repairs needed for my computer. Yay.

To celebrate on the day, I had a massive meal, with a bottle of wine from the year of my birth. Really delicious. We also had desert wine, and coupled with champagne and the 1990 red, I woke up feeling a little bit headachey. Not hung over. Quite. I wasn't really drunk. I skipped that straight to hang-over symptoms.

The next day, Tall Lanky One took me to my all-time favourite restaurant. Yum. Quite romantic actually. Then we went out to our mate's party - his birthday's the same day as mine.

The -next- evening, the Sunday, went out with our friends for a pint. Except we never got round to sitting in a pub. =/ Never mind.
After all the fun and games, unfortunately a 'suicidal' person sobered us when he asked for a blade to "finish the job" - indicating his cuts and gashes over his torso and wrists. Very disturbing. He told us to run home to our parents, that they'd protect us. One sentence spoke volumes to me.
But there was nothing we could have done. Arguably, since he was asking, he wanted help. But then again, we were near the Samaritans base, so he could have easily gone there.

Yesterday I went to the fair. It was fun - nice change of people too. Went with Lanky One's friends, whom I know anyway, and we had a fun day out I think. Well, one is suffering pain in the jaw a lot at the moment - so she and her boyfriend went home early.

So Lanky One and Lord Rolo and I met up with the group - Stupid One fortunately was NOT there, and we all went to Pizza Express, where they paid for my meal, and Cuddly One baked me a delicious cake. Woot.


My birthday has made me think a lot though. Age. Attitudes to certain landmarks in life, attitudes to birthdays.
People were almost resentful that I hadn't mentioned my birthday. I had, but only in passing. I don't really care about birthdays a great deal - I've learned over the last 18 years that birthday parties are too much hassle, that presents aren't everything and people don't care either. Until they know they've forgotten, then they are contrite. I was only hurt slightly when one who actually knows my birthday forgot. Otherwise, no one really knows for certain which day it is. Is it the 2nd? The 22nd? The 3rd?
I don't mind. So long as I get a cake from home, I don't mind.

What annoyed me partly was the run-up to my birthday. Comments on my age. I can drink.
So what? I drink anyway - not a binge drinker me, but I can usually have a glass or two of whatever I like when I like.
Only difference now is I can buy my own bleeding drinks.

People commented on MY choice of drink when we went out on Sunday [A can of Smirnoff - Cranberry and Vodka, if you're wondering]. "aww. Odd-socks with her little can of something." Dodgy one thinks Beer is a real drink. She proves herself by drinking bottles or cans of ale, or beer. Dismissing wine unless it's free and flowing by the bottle, disliking sweet wines as being too childish [generally more alcoholic, ironically].
I snapped that I'll drink what I like. People can't seem to understand that it's MY life. They don't believe in peer pressure, but people are trying to peer pressure me all the time. Even the Lanky One does it, without realising it sometimes. "Can't hurt to go out more". Maybe I don't want to.
People can invite me, but if I'm busy they'll have to lump it.
However in the case of last night, I had to be diplomatic and accept in the end - an uneaten cake is not worth losing a good friend over.

I just didn't like feeling like a naughty child. Apologising for having plans I'd told her about and that she'd ignored and changed behind my back. I dislike being told that I should get a job, because I don't feel like forking out £23 for a night out, where I won't be able to use a bucking bronco - the bulk of the cost I imagine - because I'm in a fricking ballgown. I'll think about going. Nearer the time.
I'm fed up being told I need a job because it would mean I can come out more. Not really. They ask me out at the end of the month, normally, when I've spent my money. Same with Lanky One - and he's got a job. Not always able to afford things. Don't tell him to get another one, do they? I have a perfectly good income as it is.
I'm also fed up with being asked to take a lift with my friends. I can't - the olds aren't really keen; I dunno what they'd say now I'm 18, but really, I'm not keen on climbing into a 5-time-stall car with another 4 excitable teens. You've seen t.v. and real life. It always ends in tears.


I've been thinking a lot lately about the future. Imagining what it'll be like at university. And I can't imagine a place more lonely for me. I'll be away from my family, my boyfriend - that'll be a bit of a strain - and judging from the general behaviour of people in my year group, I won't meet many people that think the way I do: occasional nights out are fun, but I don't want to go out all the time every night and day. I want some time to myself.

I've also been thinking about love, and what I imagine my life to turn out like, and I'm becoming less like my fiction books now. I used to think I'd get married, have children. I'd have at least one before I'm 25. I think that mothers shouldn't be over 30 if they can help it. My mother was 22, and she was wonderful. So was Cuddly One's. I have a lot of friends with older parents, who are cool, but depending how much older, can be either over-protective, out-of-touch or just. Not quite able to understand.
However I can't think that to be so now. I won't have children by 30, probably. I'll be in teacher training or whatever, and I'll need to find someone that I feel at the time could be a near-decent father - either as a separated parent, or as a partner - and I'd have to be able to have children. Chances are I'd find it slightly difficult. Not impossible, but I might be screwed. [excuse the pun]

I used to have so much time for my books. I love them. Really. Escaping into some other world - real or fantasy, past or even present - being someone else, feeling other feelings or new ones. It was wonderful. I'd get lost for hours.
Now I rarely have time, really. Especially with exams coming up. I should read Disgrace, or some other Post-colonial Literature book, so that I have some way of passing that exam. >> I have read one, but bare minimum is 2, apparently.
I even haven't had much time for fiction writing. Losing my creative. Can't draw, can't write, can't sing. Doesn't matter. I don't have the time anyway. Barely have time for the 2 hours of television a week I watch.

Clowns have to be manically depressed beings by at most their 5th year of being an Official Clown.

Come on. They have crap wages, look ugly, seem to scare most of their intended audience, have cheap fake pies chucked in their face, live in cramped cars, have to wear face paint, are forced to smile and laugh in obscene voices all day even when they'd rather be slitting their own wrists, and they have to wear ugly clothes.

What in the name of the Flying Donkey do they get out of it? They get nothing. Really.
Properly funny people, such as Stephen Fry, Humphrey Lyttleton, Rory Bremner, Jan Ravens etc, they don't run around dressed like idiots doing farsical stints. No, they rely on their actual wit and COMIC talent.
I apologise to anyone that likes clowns, or IS a clown, but in my view, it's just not comedy. Maybe I'm weird. I mean, I never found shows where the presenters smashed each other's faces in with cream pies that funny. I prefer proper jokes.
If I wanted an animal balloon, I'd get a magician instead. At least he has a real rabbit.

I'm actually allergic to most face paint so a life of servitude as a chronically unfunny red-nosed-and-wigged freak with a horrible grin is out of the question for me. Thank goodness.
I like to think I'd have enough wit to not need to make a complete fool of myself anyway.

Anyway. Clowns are depressed people, surely. And must really hate themselves, or not be quite right in the head, in order to punish themselves so much. I wonder how many therapists actually have patients who are professional clowns.

I am thankful that I never had a clown to a birthday party. I am banking that tomorrow they won't break that 18-year tradition of not having a clown. x] That would really make me cry.